Mr. Hawthrone’s final round of questions
Britta Perry… Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should and that your passion inspired me? No. To miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano filled with music to take life less seriously by. Oh that’s nice. I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniouses.
Shirley, did you know that you are not only a credit to your race and gender, but to our species, and that I was intimidated by your strength of character and bussiness acumen? Yes. To Shirley Bennett, I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida, where she can take what’s-his-name and however many children she has now. Also I leave you a cylinder of my sperm. Oh
Annie Edison… Did you know that you were always my favourite? You mentioned it once, but… I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept. It’s the same tiara I used to wear when my mother verbally assault me for not being a little girl. Also sperm.
Jeff Winger, did you know you’re gay? No. Agree to disagree. To you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch so that you’re less temped to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm.
Abed Nadir, did you know that you’re insane and nothing that you said ever made any sense to me? Yep. Here’s your sperm.
Troy Barnes, did you know that you possess the greates gift life can give… the heart of a hero. And that it’s up to you not to waste it like I did? I think. To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm […] In addition, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares in the Hawthrone Wipes company, currently valued at $14.3 million. On one condition. You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon, by yourself around the entire world […] I’d like to give you a chance to do what I never did, become your own man […] I’ll do it.
imagine Tonks and Lupin in bed, and he’s the little spoon and he turns round to kiss her only to find she’s metamorphasized her face into Snape’s and he screams and she laughs so hard she falls out the bed
I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all round obnoxious asshole that anyone could have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy, so if I didn’t understand that I was being asked to be best man it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest, kindest, wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
Jeff: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our war around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other’s mouths. They get right down to brass tacks. Blehh! 'Which way's the picnic?' Blehh! 'That way'. Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Abed: Not all the time.
Jeff: That’s a lie.
Abed: We don’t lie when we’re alone.
Jeff: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Abed: How’s it even possible to lie when you’re alone?
Jeff: You can call a phone- sex line. That’s lying to yourself.
Abed: No, that’s just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
Jeff: What if you’re dishonest about why you’re lonely? What if you’re a good-looking guy who calls a phone-sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she’s attracted to him anyway?
Abed: I don’t believe that happens.
Jeff: Wrong. That’s me. I did that last week.
Abed: Why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you’re fat?
Jeff: Because I’m scared if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that’s feels good to admit. Abed, the point being…(he drowns his blackberry in a glass of water) The point being, you don’t have to worry about being normal or…or real or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people. Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone else?
Jeff: And I said 'No, that's a girl costume’. And my mom said 'It's fine. Indian boys have long hair and braids too’. There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do? I put the damn thing on and I went door-to-door. And everyone was going, 'Oh, what a pretty little girl'. And by the third house…I stopped correcting them! I mean, why draw attention to it? And, honestly, once the same and the fear wore off…I was just glad they thought I was pretty.
never ever apologize to me for your dog being too excited to see me
a dog could knock me to the ground and give me a black eye and I would still hug it and love it because dogs hurt because they love too much I love dogs
So, there’s this girl. She’s tragically orphaned and richer than anyone on the planet. Every guy she meets falls in love with her, but in between torrid romances she rejects them all because she dedicated to what is Pure and Good. She has genius level intellect, Olympic-athelete level athletic ability and incredible good looks. She is consumed by terrible angst, but this only makes guys want her more. She has no superhuman abilities, yet she is more competent than her superhuman friends and defeats superhumans with ease. She has unshakably loyal friends and allies, despite the fact she treats them pretty badly. They fear and respect her, and defer to her orders. Everyone is obsessed with her, even her enemies are attracted to her. She can plan ahead for anything and she’s generally right with any conclusion she makes. People who defy her are inevitably wrong.
God, what a Mary Sue.
I just described Batman.